Saturday, April 14, 2007

There's a Monster in my Box and Other Such Issues

My brother sent me a lovely gift of an ice tray... that makes shot glasses... which is now located in the mini fridge at work...

This is not one of my issues... I am very pleased with the shot glasses and even attempted to utilize them last night upon realizing that I felt terrible, decided to put off drinking at work until tonight (when hopefully the team wins and we can stop fretting about making it to round two). The issue is that on top of the box there was a monster... the little rubber kind that fit on your finger. Classy... I love those. In fact I have used this little monster puppet to flip people off now for three days... highly enjoyable... Now for the issue:

Frack says to me, "where did you get that?"

I'm all, "the monster was in my box"

So Frack makes a "box" for the finger monster to live in...

Frickin' Frack! Thanks for reminding how empty my box is... no man, no skyy, no monster... grrrr Frack.

Now the whole, no-moster-in-my-box issue would be a non issue if... I mean IF... I didn't want something in my box and something more than something in the box from Frack. I'm frickin' mad at Frack.

So Frack has some little secret with Little Miss I'm Better Than You and instead of keeping it to himself, he teases me with it while I am trying to go to sleep with my only loyal friends... asthma and sinus infection... and then... "I can't tell you... because after all... I'm going to act like a girl..."

Again... frickin Frack..... grrrrrrrrrrr...

So then, I get up the nerve to say, "Hey Frack, I'm putting myself out there... which I rarely do... and I know that you know how wildly insecure I am and how I would sonner die alone than be rejected... but how 'bout coming with me to event XYZ..."

Frack: (long pause.... really really really long pause... rip your heart out and make you eat it even though you are a vegetarian pause...)

Me: Okay, that's a no.... Sorry, nevermind...

Frack: No... you mean... what... like a date? (could there have been more disgust and disdain in the way he said date!?!)

Me: No, nevermind (then internally... "YES! A DATE! HOW CAN YOU NOT SEE HOW COOL I AM?"... clearly I was scrwaming inside my head, which caused a headache, or was the headache from the uncomforatble rush of blood that was forming at the surface of my face...)

Seriously... I suck. I need to get it together and quick looking at Frack like that. He doesn't see me as anything even remotely in the realm of dating or hotness or someone he would take home to dear old mom and dad, so thus I resign myself to going out tonight with a deep red lipstick and hooker shoes in the hopes that some middle aged man will validate my existence with an off color pick up line to which I can pretend to be Frack and say with disdain... "you mean like on a date?"

Other minor issues to make you feel better about your own lives:

1. I ate broccoli cheese soup and later when I blew my nose... I'm pretty sure it was broccoli cheese soup.

2. Paul is over me and I am not entirely sure that I have ever been over him.

3. I have no cute go-to-the-bar-and-dance-like-a-maniac tops in my closet.

4. I have been lying to myself about the dryer shrinking my clothes...

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